Unofficial parody — $401k is a meme coin. It is not a retirement account, a pension, a security, or any kind of regulated financial product, and it is not affiliated with, endorsed by, or connected to Robinhood Markets, Inc. Nothing on this page is financial advice.

A vast brass vault door standing open in a dark marble hall

Established whenever · Contributions open

Your retirement plan has one holding.

$401k

No employer. No match. No vesting schedule. No way out. The plan was reviewed by nobody and approved unanimously.

Enroll now Read the plan

Plan summary

Everything the plan offers, in full.

The document is short because most of the provisions were removed.

Employer match: There is no employer. There has never been an employer. You matched yourself.
Vesting: You are fully vested the moment it clears. The plan does not believe in waiting.
Contribution limit: The plan was asked to set a maximum and did not understand the question.
Withdrawal age: No penalty, no form, no phone call. The plan could not stop you if it tried.
Management fee: The plan employs nobody. There is no floor of analysts. There is no floor.
Allocation: Diversification was formally reviewed, considered at length, and declined.

An older man in a floral shirt and sunglasses reclining in a folding beach chair in a marble bank hall — Plan administrator, on dutyFile 001

Your fund manager

He has never rebalanced.

He took one position, folded out the chair, and has not stood up since. The hall was carpeted when he arrived. He has outlasted the carpet, four market cycles, and everyone who told him to trim.

TenureContinuous
Positions heldOne
Times rebalancedZero
StrategySitting
Succession planThe chair stays where it is

The nest egg

The shredder ran for thirty years. The paper it produced is now the nest, and the nest holds the only thing it ever protected.

Every statement, every quarterly review, every letter beginning "an important update to your account" — all of it went through the teeth and came out as bedding. Nothing of value was lost. The egg has one crack in it. It has had that crack for as long as anyone can remember, and it has never gotten worse.

A solid gold egg with a single hairline crack, resting in a nest of shredded paper — Total plan assets, at closeUnchanged

The fine print

Read in full. It is the whole document.

Retained in its entirety from the original filing, which was also this.

The plan holds one asset. Requests to add a second are logged and are not read.
Contributions are irreversible. This is not a penalty provision, it is simply a description of what happened.
There is no beneficiary form. Your keys are the beneficiary form. Keep them somewhere the shredder cannot reach.
The plan does not offer hardship withdrawals, because the plan does not recognise hardship as distinct from the ordinary condition of holding.
Past performance is not indicative of future results, future results are not indicative of anything, and the chair does not move.

Enrolment

There is no paperwork.

One contract, on Robinhood Chain. The plan opens when the address is posted here.

Contract address

Until an address appears in this box, there is no $401k contract. Any address offered to you anywhere else is not the plan.

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